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6 of 7 - Inner Self

Jan 16, 2007 09:07 AM
by Mark Jaqua

6 of 7 - Inner Self


   No one virtually wants to leave home in a 
real sense and ever has.  There's no one who 
reaches the point totally of saying:  "All right.  
I'm me.  I've got my capabilities and abilities, 
and I'm going to go out and take a crack at it 
alone."  There is an ego conflict in this never 
wanting to leave home in a deeper sense.  A 
twenty-five or thirty year old can't face the 
reality that he doesn't want to leave home, but 
it can never be overcome until it is 
acknowledged.  The ego conflict becomes 
unbearable.  You don't find this mentioned 
Jung, Freud, or anywhere.  It is the trauma of 
not wanting to leave home on a subliminal 
level, at whatever age, and that is what it is all 
about.  If you achieved maturity in a properly 
supportive environment, you'd want to leave 
home so badly and sow your own oats, that 
you couldn't wait to get out.

   In puberty the chemistry changes to the 
extent where you have the on-going new 
ability to realize that a question exists.  You 
had questions before puberty but did not 
think a thing about them.  The need to know 
oneself is the thing that frames how success 
can come to a person in the different age 
brackets of life.  When you're eighteen you 
are locked into one set of questions, when 
twenty-six it is another set, when thirty-five 
another, and forty, fifty, and sixty orther sets.  
It's a matter of chemistry and like it or not, you 
have to pay the fiddler.

   When you're in your forties or there about, 
you figure you're going to change the world.  
Most guys get a new wife, in their mind if 
nothing else.  They get another job, a fresh 
start.  They tell themselves "that if they only 
knew then what they know now!"  This is all 
generated by chemistry and everybody gets 
into it.  When fifty comes, a different stage 
starts.  You internalize the whole thing and 
make apologies for every mistake you ever 
made, even though you may have resolved it 
at the time.  If it wasn't for this process at fifty, 
we'd never have a readable book.  The fifties 
stage is actually a review for oneself.

   After forty or forty-five if you are close 
enough to a person, they are able to let their 
hair down a bit and let you know where they 
are at and able to respond to personal 
questions.  You'll find most are into improving 
their occupation and maintaining their place 
in the world.  That is where their time is 
spent.  After this age, they go through the 
mid-life crisis and it is a different story.

   When a person goes mad, in one way, he 
looses his imaging process.  He no longer 
has his mind's eye.  You don't know what this 
is until you loose it.  A good psychiatrist 
would say that you burned out and went on 
automatic.  When a normal person gets 
excessively tired, the imaging ability 
disappears, to let you know what it is like.  
This will happen to anybody.  You go on 
automatic.  You no longer participate in your 
own thoughts.  Your thoughts are going on but 
you don't experience them mentally.  It is a 
type of split in consciousness and hell on 

   Some wives and mothers develop a split 
that manifests in everyword coming out of 
their mouth breaking down to "Look what 
you've done to me!"  They are usually 
hypochondriacs.  They will never admit it, but 
think just the opposite of what they say, which 
is true schizophrenia.  They have two mind 
sets going simultaneously, one conscious, 
the other unconscious.  True schizophrenia 
has nothing to do with duality in personality.  
This split in people's consciousness is the 
commonest reality and is really what 
schizophrenia is.  Psychiatrists and 
psychologists act like it isn't there and give 
another, different, definition to schizophrenia.

   The problem of current psychology as you 
meet with in institutions, is that they only deal 
with certain areas of disfunction such as 
memory and recall.  That's all they are 
interested in.  They aren't interested in 
describing the underlying process.  They 
have abandoned it.  They don't describe 
general mind sets behind problems.  They 
just say "This is a disfunction."  Today's 
definition of insanity is "Do you pay the 
bills?" period.

   Everytime an analyst can't get anywhere 
with someone, he does the same thing most 
people do, he decides it's all your fault.  
Whenever an analyst labels someone a 
goldbrick, it just means they don't want to or 
can't get to the root of the problem and don't 
want to put up with the person.  No matter 
how they describe it, what in essence they 
say is that a person is not getting better 
because he is some sort of goldbricker or 
malingerer.  I think what the case really is, is 
that they just couldn't cope with them.  The 
analyst doesn't know what to do.  What it 
comes down to is:  We can't account for why 
this guy got this attitude;  We don't know what 
to do with this attitude;  and We have beaten 
our heads against this attitude and gotten 
nowhere.  Where every psychiatrist shuts a 
person off is that he wants to be important to 
them, yet he won't allow the person to be 
important to him.  It's one-sided, unnatural, 
and won't work.

   A psychiatrist's sanity is threatened every 
day but they still keep at it.  You cannot 
imagine what it is like to be in a sea of 
dispair like a mental hospital.  You never see 
a smile.  You never hear a laugh.  You never 
hear two intelligible, sensible words.  A 
psychiatrist is a person with enough 
intelligence to get through medical school, 
yet without exception they have no friends.  
They have no contacts.  The only people they 
see are people who can't find their way to the 
bathroom.  You can't constantly take that type 
of environment.  People live by having peer 
groups, by being understood and valued.  
Each person that comes to see him basically 
wants to destroy everything in sight.

   Because of all the inner frustration in mental 
hospitals, the psychiatrists are so overloaded 
with all the projections of the patients on them 
that they live in fear.  If I were to frame it in 
Freudian terms, it would be the Oedipal 
Complex.  They do everything in their power 
to form a chemical lobotomy on the patients, 
which prevents the patients from a genuine 
experience of themselves, in the hope that 
some dissolution of this frustrated energy will 
occur to allow them to walk safely on the 

   As long as a person is on drugs, he cannot 
do introspection at all.  Psychotherapy with a 
person on drugs does absolutely no good, 
absolutely none.  Drugs separate the inner 
and outer selves.  The only drug that doesn't 
have this effect is lithium.

   Psychiatrists have no idea how drugs work.  
When they say they have some idea of how it 
works on the brain, they're only talking about 
the output from the patient that is taking the 
drug.  They're not talking about the actual 
chemistry and mechanics of the brain.  If you 
have a chemical that is able to affect the 
brain, you are getting close to something the 
brain is able to do by itself by design.  If it 
was not, you wouldn't be able to have the 
effect.  This dimension is truly being run, in 
my view, from a stable position of superior 
knowledge that we can't generally have 
insight into.  We are generally and mostly not 
here in this dimension, but we are familiar 
with it and we accept it as being here.  My 
honest thought is that the real programmer is 
on the other side.  The DNA is left here only 
as a vehicle.  I have to think that actually we 
never get here fully.  If you are to consider 
that our body may have decended from an 
ape, to be here in perfect spirit you would 
have to have a perfected form to contain it.  
So I honestly feel we don't completely get 
here.  Some of us gets here, more or less at 
various times, but we truly don't reside here 
because the job isn't done.

   Before psychiatrists came along, people 
went to ministers.  Ministers probably had the 
same success rate as psychiatrists but for 
much less money.  I have minister friends 
who endlessly bemoan this fact.  Something 
that really throws a wrench into it all for me is 
that every psychiatrist I've known and gotten 
to the point of talking about it, has said that 
they wouldn't have become a psychiatrist if 
they knew what they were getting into.  When 
I ask them why, they say "I can't do anything 
else!"  Several have said this to me.

   In my twenties, I began questioning what 
was worth doing if I could do it.  I learned that 
certain things drew me out.  I was drawn to 
mechanical things, I was drawn to music.  I 
was drawn to a few pieces of poetry.  After 
awhile I began to understand these 
movements in others, where I could see 
similar movements.  Then, I burned out and 
moved into the dark world.  It was an entirely 
different world and I've lived in it, more or 
less, ever since.  In the past few years things 
have changed somewhat and I've had an 
opportunity to compare the two.

   Most people in mental hospitals abre not 
burned out as I was.  Their conscious mind 
still functions.  Some are in an endless 
conversation with what I don't know.  They are 
always talking to themselves.  Occasionally 
the scan of their comprehension will include 
you when you're there, but only peripherally, 
and only to a minimum.  Their delusion is 
totally irrational and usually relates to nothing 
that has any sense to it at all.  There's about 
ten percent of the population in mental 
hospitals I've seen that are roughly in that 
state.  It takes great knowledge, wide 
reading and practical experience to get any 
response out of them at all about anything.  
They don't want to relate to people at all.  You 
have to be able to second guess at what is 
going on in their mind.  You have to be an 
authority figure to them to be able to get any 
response at all.  If you seem an ordianary 
person like themselves, they won't pay any 
attention to you.  The ordinary inmate of a 
mental institution has complete disdain for 
everybody on earth with good reason.

   When a person gets mentally sick, it has 
nothing to do with anything that would 
commonly come to the mind of a healthy 
person who is trying to understand.  A healthy 
person trying to understand doesn't have a 
chance because the sick mind generates a 
reality that the healthy mind has no access to, 
has no experience of, has no notion of.  It's a 
filthy state.

   When you are mentally healthy your mind is 
on what you are doing and what is in front of 
you.  When you are sick, no matter what you 
abre doing, you aren't thinking about it.  You 
are not conscious of the state you are in.  
You're in a state and can't get out of it.  
Usually you don't know you are getting sick.  
Your inner mind knows but you don't.  After 
years of sickness, you realize that the world 
is hostile to you, but you don't care. You 
realize you don't have any interest in 
anything, but you don't care.

   Until recently I was pistol whipped.  What I 
mean by this is that there was nothing left in 
me with which to complain about what had 
happened to me.  I used to scream and rave 
about what my situation was, but it was all 
hollow.  It was like screaming about being in 
chains, with no capabcity to get rid of the 
chains.  I don't know how to describe it 
except I used to call it "screaming against the 
restraint."  I was broken, there wasn't a 
whimper left in me and all the hooting was an 
empty barrel rolling down the hill.  It was just 
noise, there wasn't anything in it for me.  I 
could not stop doing it, but I didn't get 
anything out of it.  Because of something that 
happened, this all changed in an instant.  It 
didn't take five seconds.

   There is a great diversity in mind 
experience in people, and you cannot walk 
two roads at once.  Everybody comes to their 
state of knowing by the experiences that they 
have had.  While they are largely similar there 
are also vast differences.  So you have to 
know someone for a long time in order to 
explain their behavior in terms that are 
meaningful to you, if only to yourself and not 
to them.  When he does such and such, I 
perceive it as such and such.  On this side 
you'll never have the opportunity to take it any 
further.  You can't get inside the other person 
and know whether it is a decent match.  The 
odds are that it might not be, because you 
did not grow up in the same moment to 
moment experience that they did.

    A particular reaction to our present society 
is cults.  In my view cultists are a type of 
person who has become utterly disgusted 
with the ordinary of life.  They give up entirely 
on the ordinary mainstream of life and find 
someone who can produce serenity in their 
mind.  They've suffered so much upset that 
they throw over the ordinary ways of 
everything they've known in life.

   What they are seeking is an auto-hypnotic 
state.  They don't know a thing about 
seeking, but they have seen the people in 
cults in what I'd call a "stuperous" state.  They 
sense and inutit what that state is and they 
want it.  It is a weird thing.  The cause of it is 
in someone's previous homelife.  Pain made 
them go into a cult.  Boredom doesn't have 
anything to do with it.  It's pain to the point of 
panic from disillusionment.  They never had a 
happy experience and it is better to leave 
them alone than to put them back in that 
same situation.

   The cultist has to be impressionable.  A 
street smart person doesn't end up in a cult.  
They still have to be looking for "big daddy" 
without thinking of it as big daddy.  They have 
a knot in their stomach and can't stand the 
view of life their family has generated and 
fostered on them.  That view makes life look 
like hell-fire and brimstone, which it is when 
they are in that state.  Somebody comes 
along then and says, "All you have to do is 
shave your head, wear a robe, stand on the 
corner and say Um-a-Um-a-Um-a-Um-abba 
and I'll take care of you forever."  The thing 
that amazes me is that there are any kids that 
aren't in a cult.

   You wouldn't believe what conversation with 
a cultist is like - circles of logic every ten 
seconds.  That's the only way that state can 
be maintained.  They have to keep repeating 
the "mantra" and the mantra is one day long.  
They've got enough gibberish stuffed into 
themselves to keep themselves away from 
their selves for one twenty-four hour period, 
and they go at it one day at a time.  
Repetition is the root of the capability to be 
able to maintain the state.  A fanatic cannot 
hear you and what you have to say if they 
tried.  The circle of logic they've worked out 
and dwell in keeps them from the pain in their 
consciousness.  It is auto-hypnotic and they 
are programmed to think certain thoughts 
that evade all emotion.  They are very 
carefully worked out programs of thought.  
There's still a fire underneath, so they have to 
keep at it.

   Hubbard and Scientology are dangerous.  
Hubbard discovered it is possible to, what I 
call "get on a plateau."  It's a method of 
getting away from the problem and escaping 
into something else.  Scientology is about 
nothing but controlling the electrical potential 
reaction from your hands on the "E-meter."  
When there is no reaction to things, you are 
supposed to be "clear."  What you are is 
completely disconnected from things, 
hypnotized.  It's dangerous.  If you want to 
see a zombie, see a "clear" Scientologist.  
They've completely separated their 
comprehension from their driving process.  
Intellect has to be connected with feeling 
through comprehension or you create a 

   Two thousand years ago, people did not 
understand hypnotism, but they used it.  They 
did not have sharp, clear concepts about 
hardly anything.  They were just beginning to 
learn tools, crafts, trades.  The only people 
with sharp, clear mind about anything were 
the carpenters, the potters, the stone 
masons, the builders.  They're the only 
people who had to be able to reproduce 
things exactly.  The cammon horde was 
doing nothing but following sheep around and 
tilling the earth and didn't have to have sharp 
concepts.  You bring into this someone who has a
native capacity for thinking, which I 
consider to be genetic, like Christ, who in my 
view was basically a hypnotist, and they 
could produce a big effect.

   Somebody in those times could be taken 
and put into a trance and they'd never know 
there was a trance.  I put people into a trance 
by talking, but I tell them about it.  I put them 
into a trance in the area of reality where 
resolution takes place.  There are a million 
frames of mind available.  I'm referring to the 
one in which resolution takes place.  It is 
hypnotic, but it works.

   Anybody at that time could come into a 
mob of people and start talking "reality" and 
the reaction would be like the first time 
someone heard a symphony.  They either 
hated it or loved it.  Generally, they hated it 
because it was so new and foreign.  I'm 
referring to someone who comes along with 
a particular brand of mumbo jumbo.  What 
happens, I claim, is that all human beings 
from birth have a definite need of a spiritual 
experience, but a spiritual experience is 
relative.  Anyone who can come in front of 
them and say "I am a messiah" turns them on 
and gives them a feeding in a part of their 
psyche that they have been languishing with 
since they were born.  They come away 
illuminated and they don't even know what 
happened.  They could never repeat the 
experience themselves.  That's how I see the 
type of thing that went on.  It was feeding a 

   If you've had time to analyze 
communication, you notice that you may hear 
one thing but come away with a different 
impression.  Commmication is a total thing.  
The least dependable and accurate part of it 
is the spoken word.  You have to be there 
and accept how little you really know about 
the person before you.  It takes time.  In total 
communication, you are very slow on words 
arid very long on the feelings people 
generate in you.  If you can develop the ability 
to be aware of what is in someone else's 
mind, it will enhance the ability to be aware of 
what is in your own mind.

   After the bridge between the inner and 
outer self has been destroyed, so that 
consciously you do not experience the inner 
being much if at all, then the experience of 
love must go through the back door.  Most of 
the love in the world today that we experience 
is indirect.  It is mostly because that love is 
so strong that it'll burn the inner circuits if the 
bridge between the inner and outer you is not 
strong enough.  If the bridge is absent, 
washed out, you cannot experience the thing 
from below into the consciousness.

   The result is that most return of the 
expression of love comes to the surface after 
a long period of time.  I have friends that I've 
known all my life who have a great deal of 
feeling for me.  I say feeling and not love 
because it cannot generate into the 
remembered feeling of the teenage years 
when love was a very real and tangible thing 
and most often unanswered to.  The result is 
that most love is now simply the ability to 
accept someone's need to be as nutty as you 

   People want to love more than they want to 
be loved.  The more you pay attention to a 
person, the more you are siphoning off love.  
The worse frustration on this earth is not not 
being loved, but not being allowed to love.  
People won't let you near then.  Everyone is 
trying so desparately to keep their own boat 
afloat, that when someone else injects their 
presence, they reject it because they need 
the time and presence of themselves so 
badly.  You have to be sneaky.  Considering 
the spans of time that we know of, if you can 
imagine someone as short of a time as a 
thousand years ago, which is no time at all, 
there wasn't time for someone to even begin 
to consider inner and outer selves, because 
of the difficulty of just surviving.  We've 
definitely come a long way.  When you think 
in terms of thousands of years, have a belly-
ache now, and have to get up and go to work 
anyways, and can't answer to the inner pain... 
the result is that the mind shuts off.  Then you 
get into what I call "automatic" with a vague 
sense of the inner self that is the most 
common condition of the vast number of 
people today.

   For various reasons we have built cities, 
but we do not have the vaguest sense of the 
psychological problems that are involved in 
them.  We build our houses so closely 
together that we cannot escape the 
expressive envelope of every house on the 
street.  You become accustomed to it.

   If you walk by a house, a person, or a bus 
goes by, no matter how internally involved 
you are in your own thoughts, you are 
constantly presented with the question "Why 
is that not right?"  When you walk by a house 
and the porch is in disarray, the grass isn't 
cut and the like, your innate sensitivity for 
beauty and order is violated.  Consider the 
state of the cities and consider that every 
aspect of turmoil, of frustration, is expressed 
nonverbally in the state of consciousness of 
the mass of the people.  They do not know 
what they are doing or why, yet your 
sensitivity is constantly there and you are 
constantly required to answer to it.

    You may start a day feeling pretty well and 
things are going good, but in the course of 
the day run into a few people who subtly 
upset you, and you wish you hadn't had the 
experience you had with them.  It might have 
been mild negative experiences, strong 
ones, or anything in between.  Our goal here 
is to be at a state of familiarity with self so 
consistently, that the instant you meet 
someone and something doesn't go right, or 
something does go right, that you know why 
that response is there, what it's all about, and 
what it means to you.

   You can run into a bus driver that will upset 
the heck out of you. What do you do when 
this happens all the time, that there are a lot 
of such people in the world?  What do you do 
when you've had so much bad experience 
with people that your don't any longer ever 
want to see what is out there?  You are so 
sick of looking at these people that you could 
just go to some fantasy land
and live there forever.  Basically, that's all that 
mental illness is, bad experience.  All 
graduations of it come from having to deal 
with people who just didn't have what you 
needed.  There's things you have to have 
from others, and if you can't get them you are 
in trouble.  You end up being rejected, 
negative, abandoned, and any one of the 
series of descriptions used.

   We desire to be free of hatred.  One of the 
most energy consuming and damning things 
on earth is hatred.  But if you don't answer to 
it face to face, you'll never escape it.  If we 
ever get to the point where we have living 
mastered well enough to do it with internal 
harmony, then we will have the time in every 
day, with the company of one another, to 
come to the release of the tensions in one 
another.  It is our deepest drive.  We not only 
desire to release our own tensions, WE ARE 
ALL ONE, and are of necessity required to 
release the tension in those around us.  I was 
out looking for someone to pay attention to 
me, and I found the way to do it was to pay 
attention to them.  That's where the relief is.

   The false self is the difference between 
what you want to do and what you are 
allowed to do.  I remember when all I had to 
do to get rid of my friends was to let my real 
feelings show on my face, and they were like 
the cockroaches going for the corners.  That 
was the first real relief I ever had after three 
or four years of struggle.  It then dawned on 
me that every son of a gun that had ever 
gone down the road, that ever saw this thing 
for what it was, went straight through where I 
just went through.

   The point people fail to realize is that if you 
are true to yourself, you're alone, and you will 
do anything to avoid the experience of being 
abandoned.  That's the whole circle of life.  
Whole societies demonstrate one side of the 
issue.  The Japanese have no tolerance of 
independence.  They stultify all of the things 
that go together to make up self-
determination, strength of character, strength 
of will, strength of energy and force, locus of 
self in the propulsion forward to find answers 
to your wants.  They stultify all of them.  Their 
society is still feudally oriented.  They are 
successful at what they do because they 
operate as one mind.  They have a national 
consciousness.  They do not have private 
consciousnesses.  It is like a beehive with all 
the prices of the beehive.

   Every person who ever accomplished 
anything, and it is always one individual that 
accomplishes anything, masses of people 
don't make breakthroughs, would have far 
rather have been dead if he could have 
gotten away with it.  It isn't worth it in any 
respect.  It takes a crucifixion to generate an 
inner experience.  How does this reflect on 
the notion that God is a loving being and all 
that clap-trap?  I can only conclude that sane 
people think that way because for them life 
must be a pleasant experience.  But what 
about the people for who it isn't?

   People get to the point where they're so 
separated from themselves that they want to 
destroy the whole darn world, which is the 
thrust of everything that leads to warfare.  The 
whole direction of the nuclear problem is the 
desire for self-destruction.  If you can step 
away from it all and see it for what it is, why 
would anyone play with something like 
nuclear bombs, knowing that most people 
are crazy?  If some son of a gun gets a bad 
fried egg in the morning, the whole thing 
might go up.  You wouldn't do this in a 
rational state, but this is the state we are in.  
We have a world full of people wandering 
around in a fog.

   I wouldn't try to convince anyone, but it is my 
opinion that we have many lives.  Something 
came up in my mind the other day, and I said 
to myself "Well, maybe she was right."  I was 
remembering a woman at an A.R.E. meeting 
a long time ago who had looked at me with 
eyes like saucers and said, "You devil! You 
devil!"  She claimed she saw that I had been 
a slave trader in a previous existence, and 
that's why I'm having such a hard time of it 
this time around.  If you start believing such 
stuff, though, you're so far in trouble you'll 
never get out.  Mostly it is believed by people 
with no practical ego.

   When you start looking at yourself, you are 
looking at blind feelings.  You have been 
dealing with blind feelings for years because 
these feelings weren't allowed in the 
environment you are in, and this is the 
problem.  The point is not to go with your 
feelings, but to understand what is behind 
them.  The last guy that "went with his 
feelings" is doing life for murder.  People are 
like boiling kettles all the time, but become 
so accustomed to it that they regard it as 
normal.  This is the "shadow side" of a 
person in Jungian terminology.  It is what is 
trying to get these feelings to the surface.

   I don't see Jung's "shadow side" as being 
something normal.  I don't think there is 
anything intrinsically negative in the human 
psyche, but because we don't know has to 
answer to it, it gets frustrated.  Only in the 
presence of it becoming bottled up does it 
become negative.  I might add that that is 
after years of it.

   The first thing that comes up upon a 
negative reaction of the psyche is that the 
person says "That can't be me!"  I always 
knew it was me.  Somedays some friend I 
would meet in the morning would ask, "How's 
it going?"  I'd tell him, "I just came from the 
house and shaved the devil!"  I would have 
just finished looking at a guy in the mirror, 
red-faced and with eyes bulging from being 
in a rage, and I knew it was me.

   If there is one single, starting, repeating, 
endlessly to be learned about function in my 
description of the reality of the mind, it is that 
everything you do circles around your chief 
hang-up.  You are always talking about it in 
interrelationships with other people.

   One of the first things you have to learn to 
study is how your body responds when you 
meet somebody.  Your body is never wrong.  
You might want to run away.  If you do like 
them, you want to stay.  That is the key.  If you 
meet someone and get a stomach ache, 
that's the bodily response to get to the root 
of.  Sometimes you repress it and get the 
reaction the next day.

   When you have someone who has been 
affected by something all their life, but has 
never been able to get enough distance 
between themselves and the negative 
experience to identify what it did to their 
mind-set and outlook, then the whole 
situation manifests in a bodily response.  
Also, everything you don't come to terms 
with, is still there, and occupyinging a portion 
of your conscious energy in circles.  In the 
bodily response, our technique here is to 
meet the bodily response to a thought, 
feeling, situation, or trauma.  Bring it to the 
surface as clearly as possible.  Hold it in 
consciousness as long as possible and you 
can stand it.  Permit it to generate a new 
view of what's causing the problem.  That's 
the root of the whole technique.  The more 
effective you are in dealing with feelings, the 
sharper your comprehension becomes.  The 
better you are in dealing with your inner 
homework, the better you are at everything.

   The key to success in this whole process is 
that you never have the same emotion twice.  
What you're trying to do in this process is to 
get the patterns that you've identified as 
being repetitive and a blind end, to go further, 
to move on, to change and to blossom into a 
new insight.

   Every habit pattern that you've identified as 
being repetitive and static is a hammer 
beating at your consciousness, trying to get 
you to move forward.  The more common the 
habit is, the more easily it can be opened up, 
as contradictory as that may seem.  If you 
want to decide where to start your effort, pick 
the most repetitive habit you have, that you 
know is off key.  That's were the most energy 
is and where the energy is at is the key to 
where the problem is.

   When you open it up, you won't believe the 
flood of insight that it will bring.  Your other 
brain channels and synapses have all been 
worked way forward in consciousness, but 
held back at that point.  If it's not something 
that is deep, anything that is deep that is 
related to it is immediately accessible.  The 
minute you knock that wall down and move 
one inch forward, you're in a new universe.  
You have all the energies and drives 
immediately at hand to open and expand the 
world that you brought yourself into.

   You can't start anywhere else other than 
where your real problem is.  What happens is 
that you can't deal with anything else 
regardless.  Every emphasis that is going on 
in your mind on the subliminal and 
subconscious level is related to it.  You think 
you're doing something else, but you're not.  If 
you're not on the right track, you can't get the 
right answer.

   The unconscious is suppressed conscious 
capability.  The ability was there if it had 
been answered to, to have been aware of it 
in the conscious mind.  The unconscious is 
the large body of unanswered opportunities 
to answer questions.  The need was there.  
The question was generated, but it wasn't 
answered to.  I separate between that 
dimension and the true subconscious, which 
can only generally be reached through the 
meditative process.  The subconscious is the 
generator, in my experience.  I had to answer 
to the unconscious to the point where it would 
give me five minutes off, and then get into the 
subconscious to determine what direction it 
wanted to go in.  I would answer to that, and 
when that was done, I would automatically 
find myself in the superconscious, which was 
the point of my thrust in the first place.

   I've been on the superconscious side of 
things many times in this life, and if it wasn't 
for that fact, if I hadn't had the perspective of 
timeless things, I simply couldn't have done it 
and maintained the ability to stay on the 
street.  It's as simple as that.  The habit 
pattern in my life has been to answer first to 
the sore stomach.  If I try not to and go to 
work, I become completely incapacitated.  I 
can't even think.  It's simply because due to 
some odd circumstances I had the 
opportunity to go within earlier on.  When 
your system develops the ability to get some 
satisfaction in the inner arena, it becomes 
master.  You can't control it.  It won't listen to 
the street necessities.  It won't pay attention 
to them.

   I don't wait ten seconds before I let 
everyone I meet know that I've been in a 
mental institution.  I don't waste ten seconds 
before I clear the air, and then it is gone.  The 
reason is because of something that has 
happened several times.  People have said 
to me "I thought you were the most insightful 
person I ever met, until I heard you were in a 
mental institution."  The heck with that.

   Practice at free association is the only 
practice I know of, if you are lucky enough to 
be able to submit to the pressure of it, for 
what comes when something forces the valve 
open of a kundalini experience.  In my 
experience, the kundalini starts in the chest, 
although at the time I didn't know the word 
"kundalini."  It has nothing to do with sex.  
Your conscious mind is incapable of letting 
anything unknown into it.  By allowing free 
association, you get accustomed to shock.

   Fantasizing is caused by the inner urge to 
go beyond what your conscious mind is 
accustomed to or allowed, your fantasies are 
constantly trying to awaken you to the feeling 
of being motivated, if it is about being a 
concert pianist or whatever.  Most people 
reach a point where they say "This is all 
B.S." and shut it dawn and destroy what 
good it does them.

   The ultimate basis for sexuality, and even 
sexual fantasy if it were possible to get 
behind it - which it isn't for virtually anyone - is 
the drive for all comprehension.  My view of 
sex is that a bed is for sleeping.  In the 
mental realm, sexuality does not exist.  It 
ceases to exist.  People have been looking 
for an answer in sex for the last million years 
and no one has found one yet.  On the other 
hand, to me celibacy means staying away 
from women, which seems about as wrong 
as you can get.  Nearly all the sex urge is not 
genital at all if you experience the depth 
beyond the superficial.  Real libido is beyond 
the false libido of sex.

   When you get into the area of sex, if you 
have real feeling for the person, an accurate 
identification of their good points and their 
bad points, a genuine desire to be with them 
that is separate from the specific area of 
lust... In normal sex, a similar phenomenon is 
going on as in anger.  Real sex is quite a 
different thing.  If you can come to the point of 
realizing that the only freedom comes from 
mutual need, if that becomes the basis of all 
your sexual experience, for one thing you 
come to the point of having sex darn near 
never.  This is because you'll only do it when 
it is good, when you learn what good is, and 
the time is right.  I have fought with the 
concept of sublimation of energy since the 
first day I heard of it.  I do not think it is 
possible.  You advance the whole front.  You 
don't take something out of here and put it 
over there.

   It is good to learn to clarify your appetites.  
Don't eat until you know exactly what you 
want to eat.  Don't eat fast.  Don't eat in noisy 
environments.  Get as much bodily 
participation or response out of everything 
you do as you can possibly get, starting with 
food, because it is the most common.  You 
will begin to realize the difference of habit 
with real appetite.  Almost nobody eats when 
they are hungry.  They eat because it is there, 
or it's time.  People eat to numb themselves 
out, to prevent consciousness.  In blunting the 
basic experience of real appetite, you 
destroy the capacity to be razor sharp in 
identifying any of the urges that arise from 
your blind or shadow side.  If you follow this 
simple practice, you'll see what value is in it.

   People talk of being physically drained, but 
there is no such thing as being physically 
drained.  To feel drained is something 
different than feeling physically tired.  You 
have to take a very close look at the 
distinction.  If you feel drained, it's because 
you are not doing what your soul wants.  If 
you're not doing what your soul wants, you're 
going to feel drained from doing nothing to 
everything.  Until you know exactly what turns 
your spark of interest on, until you know 
exactly what it is and are engaged in it, you 
are going to be drained at the end of every 
day.  It doesn't matter how many authorities 
disagree with this, it is still a fact.  If you find 
something that is fulfilling, don't wander away 
from it.

   When you are doing what your soul wants 
to do, you'll have so much energy you won't 
know what to do with it.  If it is in the mental 
realm, you have to balance it by doing 
something physical to bring the body 
chemistry back into equilibrium.  You will start 
head tripping if you don't.  You have to do 
something physical to bring yourself back 
down.  Locations have something to do with 
this also.  There's such a thing as not being 
able to be your true self in certain locations or 
places associated with negative 
experiences.  In dreams you go to the 
locations or settings where you can be your 
true self.

   Your inner side is always trying to bring 
these things to your attention. Paranoia is 
another method, and is not delusion but your 
inner mind trying to get you to pay attention to 
something, and it won't stop until you bite the 
bullet.  Hearing voices is another example.  
Voices are a person's own self, and if you 
could demonstrate that, it would be the end of 
voices.  I know.  I've been down that road.  
The belief in entities comes from the same 
source as the desire for the perfectly fulfilled 
person to come and guide you.*  [* When 
asked about this statement and if invisible 
entities affect us also, JB said "Well, I don't 
want to scare anyone to death..." - Compiler]

   I'm a mechanic, and for two and a half 
years haven't been able to tell what is wrong 
with my car.  For two and a half years, every 
dime out of pocket, every dime of psychic 
energy, and I'm sick.  I'm trying to 
demonstrate something here about when 
something keeps hammering at a person.  
Someone said to me about it, "You know 
better.  It's not the car that's got you upset, it's 
the symbol."

   The minute I realized that, my inner side 
saw an opportunity to have a field day with 
me, and make me feel like an idiot because I 
couldn't solve the problem.  My inner side is 
always looking for an opportunity to make me 
feel like an idiot.  Why?  I have never had a 
job.  I have never had a family.  I don't have a 
house.  I don't have any ego.  I constantly 
have to live with this side that can't stop 
railing at me.  The reason this is important is 
that everyone has three, a least, people to 
live with.  You, a child, and the less-than-ego.

   Comprehension is a compulsion and the 
mind needs to know just as the body needs 
to have certain things.  The only thing that 
releases you from inner stress are 
explanations that hold water.  
Comprehension is a functional thing that is 
affected by all the things around it.  You are 
under barrage from countless inputs and 
you're continually filtering them to determine 
the best and simplest route to your own 
satisfactions, including mental satisfactions.  
You NEED to see pretty flowers.  You need to 
see the country.  You need to see the city, 
which amazes me.

   The average person learns constantly, but 
they only learn successfully if they don't notice 
it.  If you notice it consciously, you have to go 
through ego death.  The ego doesn't have 
one bit of sense, it can't give up.  You can't 
check out no matter what the problems.  
Whenever you come upon something you 
need to know, you go through an ego death, 
because the ego can never admit it needs to 
know anything.  If you learn to become clever 
and effective at ego death, you can really 
streamline the process.  You still have to go 
through it everytime, you cannot circumvent it.

   Consciousness is at the crossroads of 
desire and fulfillment, and is allowed to work 
as long as it gets the job done.  If it doesn't, 
the whole house of cards canes down.  When 
your consciousness doesn't get what it 
needs, it disintegrates.  Ego is intrinsically 
involved in this, so the ego dies also.  If you 
can't get what you need out of your 
environment, you're done, consciousness 

   Ego is a very phony, slippery, and difficult 
thing to get hold of.  Everything is "I did," and 
the truth is that you don't do anything.  You 
are a victim of your circumstances, but at a 
certain point your need for identity takes over 
and you say, "I did, I thought. I this and I that."  
In my opinion we are at the crossroads of 
becoming.  We have nothing to do with how 
things got here or where they are going.  If 
you really examine the thing, you are just 
sitting in a theatre while this is taking place.  
You are where it happened and that's about 
all you have to do with it.  The truth is that in 
the larger sense there is no choice.  We are 
continually making choices based on 
determining all the chances in different 
areas.  But if you had the ability to be 
conscious of all the factors, there would not 
be any choice.  Choice in the small sense 
and choice in the large sense are very tricky 


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